Why Relational Boundaries Need To Be Increased As The Restrictions Lift on Social Distancing.

For some people, the best thing that could have happened to the toxic relationships they were maintaining, was Covid19 social distancing. There was less pressure to do all the things with all the people that were only diminishing their value and worth each time they would spend time together.

The natural social distancing in place was healthy for some people.

I know this even more because as summer hits the northern hemisphere there is always more demand on connection. Family gatherings, birthdays, special events missed during Covid.

Often it is the time away from someone that makes you realize that there was fresh air you were breathing. Or you have actually grown in new ways over the last season and you are no longer the person that you were. So when you come back into proximity with the person you have a healthier perception of what is right and what is wrong.

However in the frenzied pace of restrictions lifting, you may not understand how to put these boundaries in place.

The relational boundaries I am coaching people to put into place can vary from genuine need to distance from formerly abusive relationships with family members, to new ways of relating to people who do not accept the ways you have evolved.

The previous posts on forgiveness are worth reading in the context of this one on boundaries because people often mix up forgiveness and connection.

So here are a few keys to understanding what is a relational boundary and why you will need it as a tool for building relational resilience. Maybe not now but certainly in your future.

This work comes from DR Henry Cloud and you can connect with a free online boundaries course here at this link


In this free course he offers you words of encouragement to help you set boundaries and say no, identify unsafe people and habits, become aware of codependent behaviors and patterns, and create necessary endings in your life that allow fruitful change to happen for you.

When asked what is a boundary, this is what Dr Henry Cloud says.

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Think about what would happen if someone said, “I want you to guard this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what happens here,” and yet, they don’t tell you the boundaries of the property. You don’t know where it starts or ends. You’re just left guessing. Not only is it confusing, but it creates anxiety. It’s chaotic. You won’t know what to do or how to respond if someone tries to come onto the property. You have to make assumptions and hope you’re making the right choices.

Now imagine this: You’re given a piece of land, and its borders are defined. You know exactly what is yours and what isn't yours. Now it’s up to you to decide how to protect it, and you can guard it as you please. You can determine what you will and won’t allow to come on it, and you can choose when others may enter and when others must leave. You have the freedom, responsibility and control over what you can and can’t do. There is no guesswork, and you don’t have to assume”

How clear is this?

I love it

I hope it is helpful to you

He was just on a brilliant podcast with Carey Nieuwhof as well and the link to that podcast is here on HOW TO STOP TAKING FAILURE PERSONALLY, HOW TO PREVENT BURNOUT AND BECOME HEALTHIER IN THE MIDST OF A YEAR LIKE 2020, AND HOW TO CHANGE YOUR THINKING FOR THE BETTER

So good!

More to come on building relational resilience in my very first course I am putting together over the summer to equip us for what is ahead in our worlds (Fall in the Northern Hemisphere and Spring in the Southern part of the planet!)

So much love for you friend

Feel free to email me with any questions.

I am heading into two weeks away from the face-to face of leadership and coaching in all my various roles of my church, my business and my national role with the Women;s Movement called Gather.

However I am staying connected online a few times a week in the rhythm of my vacation.

(And if you would like to reserve your spot for some one-to-one coaching time for September - December then please email me at this email info@vanessahoyes.com to enquire about spots available as they are limited for that season ahead)

Always in the trenches with you

Vanessa xx

36 views0 comments