top of page

The Courageous Conversations that I call Pillow Talk

* Sub-titled ... She is pursues Him through the darkness

* Warning .. this one is a little longer because I want to highlight a theme

Ok girls you have been so incredibly engaging with this series. Especially those of you who have connected with me on the marriage piece, the questions around intimacy and sexuality and marriage.

Then this mornings post about body love is VERY conncted to pleasure in sexual intimacy.

So today I want to dive deeper.... just a little deeper for the married woman.. but I also believe that you can read this in your own walk of intimacy with Jesus as well.

This may feel a little more like something you need time to meditate on.

We saw earlier on this journey that identifying the little foxes can really help you discern where disconnection is happening ..

Song of Songs 2:15

The Bridegroom-King:

You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.[t] For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together.

The Woman:

I know my lover is mine and I have everything in you, for we delight ourselves in each other.

But after that dialogue with one another you see the woman say 'but...' and it sounds all lovely what she is saying to him, but read a little closer...

17 But until the day springs to life and the shifting shadows of fear disappear, turn around, my lover, and ascend to the holy mountains of separation without me. Until the new day fully dawns, run on ahead like the graceful gazelle and skip like the young stag over the mountains of separation. Go on ahead to the mountain of spices— I’ll come away another time.

How often do we, in our marriages, or in any moment for connection, do we say.. 'I will come away another time'






Body image.



Did I say, for a young mum, exhaustion?




Let's be honest. You can scroll instagram in bed and then be too exhausted to make love to. your spouse. True?

1.Why did I let him go from me? How my heart now aches for him, but he is nowhere to be found!

So in my years, personally, and pastoring and now coaching

They do not 'go anywhere'.. but you do begin to lose them, ever so subtly often.

So I must rise in search of him, looking throughout the city,

'The city' is biblical language for industry, work, community endeavour, labour, vocation

seeking until I find him. Even if I have to roam through every street, nothing will keep me from my search. Where is he—my soul’s true love? He is nowhere to be found.

I do wonder often if our 'no .. come back another time' begins to build a narrative in our marriage that says where can i find you?'

Then I encountered the overseers as they encircled the city. So I asked them, “Have you found him— my heart’s true love?” Just as I moved past them, I encountered him. I found the one I adore! I caught him and fastened myself to him, refusing to be feeble in my heart again.

The amazing thing about sexual intimacy, it can be rebuilt in a moment. With just one choice. With one decision to say 'yes' whne you do not feel like it. Or even more .. why not initiate.

It fastens you to one another when everything in your life is contending against your coming together.

Now I’ll bring him back to the temple within where I was given new birth— into my innermost parts, the place of my conceiving.

Ok is this not stunning? Both spiritually and physically?

But for some fo you reading this is actually so overwhelming and fear-invoking. Your sexual intimacy is riddled with past, with fears, with pain, and with present doubts and insecurities.

I hear you. I get you. But if i can say again.. healing can be found.

To be honest this is a prminent theme in the coaching that I am doing. It is complex and people's healing is a journey that needs to be walked out one moment at a time.

For other it is just a decision and a disciplne even.

Each story is unique.

The Shulamite

4: 6 I’ve made up my mind. Until the darkness disappears and the dawn has fully come, in spite of shadows and fears, I will go to the mountaintop with you— the mountain of suffering love and the hill of burning incense. Yes, I will be your bride.

How many times, as a married woman do i need to keep making choices 21 years on .. YES I choose you and YES I will be your bride.. back to those early days. But now even richer and more fulfilling if we continue to work on our wholeness.

The Bridegroom-King

Every part of you is so beautiful, my darling. Perfect is your beauty, without flaw within. Now you are ready, my bride, to come with me as we climb the highest peaks together. Come with me through the archway of trust.

The HUGE key .. TRUST!!!

We will look down from the crest of the glistening mounts and from the summit of our sublime sanctuary. Together we will wage war in the lion’s den and the leopard’s lair as they watch nightly for their prey. For you reach into my heart.

The heart - let sex begin here - intimacy begins here. Do you know his heart? Is it safe with you? Yours with him?

But get this .. then the pattern happens again

She says no again

Because who knows these patterns take a while to break.

Song of Songs 5:2

After this I let my devotion slumber, but my heart for him stayed awake. I had a dream. I dreamed of my beloved— he was coming to me in the darkness of night. The melody of the man I love awakened me. I heard his knock at my heart’s door as he pleaded with me:

The Bridegroom-King

Arise, my love. Open your heart, my darling, deeper still to me. Will you receive me this dark night? There is no one else but you, my friend, my equal. I need you this night to arise and come be with me. You are my pure, loyal dove, a perfect partner for me. My flawless one, will you arise? For my heaviness and tears are more than I can bear. I have spent myself for you throughout the dark night

But read this scripture more spiritually here .. it is not like a 'no' but more, isn't it enough? Should we just settle for what we have?

The Sleeping Bride

I have already laid aside my own garments for you. How could I take them up again since I’ve yielded my righteousness to yours? You have cleansed my life and taken me so far. Isn’t that enough? My beloved reached into me to unlock my heart. The core of my very being trembled at his touch. How my soul melted when he spoke to me! My spirit arose to open for more of his touch. As I surrendered to him, I began to sense his fragrance— the fragrance of his suffering love! It was the sense of myrrh flowing all through me! I opened my soul to my beloved, but suddenly he was gone! And my heart was torn out in longing for him. I sought his presence, his fragrance, but could not find him anywhere. I called out for him, yet he did not answer me. I will arise and search for him until I find him.

Ok read this in The Message Translation

“But I’m in my nightgown—do you expect me to get dressed? I’m bathed and in bed—do you want me to get dirty?”

4-7 But my lover wouldn’t take no for an answer, and the longer he knocked, the more excited I became. I got up to open the door to my lover, sweetly ready to receive him, Desiring and expectant as I turned the door handle. But when I opened the door he was gone. My loved one had tired of waiting and left. And I died inside—oh, I felt so bad! I ran out looking for him But he was nowhere to be found. I called into the darkness—but no answer. As I walked throughout the city in search of him, the overseers stopped me as they made their rounds. They beat me and bruised me until I could take no more. They wounded me deeply and removed their covering from me. Nevertheless, make me this promise, you brides-to-be: if you find my beloved one, please tell him I endured all travails for him. I’ve been pierced through by love, and I will not be turned aside!

Now i want to pause on this and talk to those women who have been sexually abused and sexual intimacy has such deep layers to it. Please know that this writing has you in mind. I do believe that these scriptures are to tell you that you are not alone. That love can heal the deepest wounds. That promise is yours for wholeness and sexual intimacy free of pain and fear is yours in Jesus Name.

I am so committed to walking alongside peope in their journey towards wholeness. Individuals, couples, single or married. This is one of my great joys to see deep transformation in this area of people's lives.

Look at how she continues to speak of this journey...

Song.of Songs 5: 16

If you ask me why I love him so, O brides-to-be, it’s because there is none like him to me. Everything about him fills me with holy desire! And now he is my beloved—my friend forever.

There is hope!

Please know this is a passion point and an area of expertise that I am confident to offer LIfe Coaching through; or locally if I can pastor you through this into some amazing courses and resources then please feel free to reach out.

With much love

51 views0 comments
bottom of page