So whilst we are on topic of people, relationships, forgiveness and your future... let's talk about boundaries because I think it is important and is good to reference these Daughters of Z who bold took steps to inherit promised land.
I can imagine boundaries they needed to honour and boundaries they needed to break.
First of all they did not let cultural boundaries define them.
But they did let legal boundaries open up wider spaces for them.
The culture said they were women. They did not let that define their access.
They studied the law until they found a loophole that actually opened up great opportunity for them.
Teaching on boundaries says to see them like gates not walls. Walls block not only bad out but good also. Gates you have control over what you do and do not let in.
Boundaries do not mean that you have not forgiven
I do want to write an acknowledgement of the devastating things that have happened to many of you. First of all, my heart breaks with you. If something illegal has happened to you like abuse, misconduct or harassment, then let me state that the law is there to protect you and no amount of forgiveness will be enough to actually see justice prevail and possibly protect others in the process. Please do what is your legal right and responsibility.
Even in the situation of relational deception and betrayal, it really must be said that exposed confronting the other person’s betrayal is imperative. Strong emotions, thoughts, and even tears are an important step in your healing. But it may not be that you ever face them. Someone needs to hold them to an account for the wrong done. But it may not have to be you. It may not be healthy for it to be you. Let other people advocate on your behalf if you are not ready to face a person who has hurt you. Talk this through with wise people in your corner.
But when relational trust has been broken, the other person needs to know the damage done to the relationship. You get to be honest and use your voice and stand strong in that voice, even when its shaky. They earn the loss of your trust. If it's a friend, then you redefine the friendship. If it’s your teenager, they lose freedom; a spouse, they also earn accountability.
Therapists suggest the need to sometimes move people “out” of their current spot of relational intimacy. Think of a bullseye with many rings.
The betrayer may have been in the second ring from the center prior to their deceit, meaning the relationship was very close and seemingly healthy. Moving them out to ring three or four is a practice in healthy boundaries. You move people in and out of your boundaries – not them. This means that certain privileges and non-essential access to you is diminished. Yes, in the case of a parent-teen, you still provide a roof, food, and clothing, but frills can be forfeited, although love never has a boundary, loving discipline does.
Keep loving this person to wholeness if it is a covenant relationship worth biblically contending for. But to young people not married and who have been in a toxic relationship .. flee.. run... get away ... and feel NO obligation to restoration. This is part of your bold story journeying forward. Do not feel any responsibility to try and make amends. Learn the difference between compassion and foolishness playing with fire.
I think about all the broken pieces in our life, all the broken pieces of these Daughers of Z. They needed strong, healthy, resilient, wise boundaries to walk away from people who wanted to keep them contained, limited and living imprisoned to their lot in life.
If people are insecure they will be unhealthy for you
If they are jealous they will be too scarcity minded to be good for you
If they are co-dependant they will drain you
If they are unwilling to change then you grow up from them
If they are toxic then it bleeds everywhere
If they are bitter, it defiles everyone around
If they are lost and on a path to destruction than can take out many with them
Who do you boldly need to boundary to pursue what is rightfully yours?